to the A*Hole who stole my twinner

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS for Teal Green 2004 Baby Jogger Deluxe Twinner

Congratulations! You are the new owner of a four year-old piece of crap jogging stroller made by the Baby Jogger company, subsequently bought by the Bag Boy Company, bought later by Dynamic Brands, in the quest for monoply over the heavily sought-after niche of value priced men’s, women’s and junior golf and its associated running products. RANDOMBRANDING!

You will notice the following improvements in your model that are unavailable in any other double jogger on the market:

• the right tire has an incipient leak which not only adds to the uniqueness of the product but increases your average 5k time by approximately five minutes as you will need to refill this tire nearly every time you set out for your jog
• the foam handlebar cover is now infused with the unmistakable tang of black mildew, which, on its own or in combination with the mildew recently added to the bottom basket, contributes significantly to seasonal allergy responses in most individuals
• for your convenience, the sunshade has been removed permanently, as it is nothing more than a windsail when open and Black Widow spider collector when retracted
• in the mesh baskets behind both seats, I have left one two-month old copy of the Saratoga Times, three miscellaneous advertisements for home improvement service providers in the area, five pieces of recyclable plastic bottles, an assortment of plastic candy wrappers and one Monterey pine cone.
• both child seats are closer together in this model, fostering plenty of sibling rivalry, which means more fist fighting between siblings than ever before possible, and these fights will climax just before you hit a wall in your workout or race
• for this reason, constant overstuffing has left ample room in the baskets behind each seat for baseball bats and clubs with which to pacify quarrels so that you may focus on your workout or race
• in the basket under the carriage, you will find one (1) furry ball that was originally thought to be an owl pellet worth picking up on the sidewalk (to later dissect with the boys, duh), but which, after one month and several sideways glances, suggested itself as a hairy dog turd. I believe this only enhances the owner experience, but you may remove it if inclined. I was too intimidated to decide for you.
• also intended to enhance user satisfaction is the puke-impregnated ballistic nylon seat fabric itself, on not one but both seats of the stroller

I would like to personally commend your ballsy nature in managing to walk into our backyard in the middle of the day and rip off this sunbleached, haggard piece of rotten baby gear. In doing so, you have liberated me from having to push two screaming boys up and down our neighborhood hills while simultaneously whining to a husband who tunes me out to the drone of indie music on his iPod.

Thank you!