Hi Chas, Birthday Boy, Mister 3,
Three years ago I walked down the white fluorescent aisles of Target with a package of toilet paper rolls, counting the bear hugs I’d felt all evening get closer and closer: twelve minutes; eleven minutes. Passersby smiled at the cute ball of you underneath my little black dress. I remember checking out, squinting at the red formica and conceding that you were ready to be born into the world, and that I’d help you once I’d unloaded the groceries at home and packed my overnighter.
Two hours later, you were banging on the escape hatch as I walked the halls of labor & delivery. Shortly after that, as I sat on the edge of the bed, my back all but in an actual vice clamp, I grimaced and felt the floor flood with warmth. I looked down, my flip-flops drenched in amniotic fluid; I looked up, and nearly puked. I think I may have puked three minutes or so later.
When the night sky began to toss and turn, bluing the atmosphere with its conscience, you crowned. I pushed twice, really hard pushes that channelled eons of mothers into Om, and out you slipped, all purple and dense and strong, wet-cry muted once blue-eyes met mine; you squinted uncertainly, then frowned at me, and I knew that you were a robust soul, and that your name couldn’t be Owen. It had to be Chas.
+ + +
We had fun today making some cupcakes for your birthday. You wanted to make devils food cupcakes, easy enough. Every now and then I couldn’t help smelling your head full of blond wildhair, my eyes closed, as if I could keep it , in my zeal, tucked within the corner of my heart. As if I could oncork that heavenly little boy smell of ozone and compost, the faint smell of detangler mixed with other unidentified sweet funk (possibly cake batter, it was hard to tell in a chocolate-scented kitchen) and smell it when you are no longer in the house, but far away in college, or possibly on a steamer ship to the arctic, or hiking the sierras, or hanging out in your girlfriend’s parent’s house for the holidays. Wait, please never do that.
And please never stop telling me that cake makes yur muscles grow big and strong
But I can’t bottle your boyhood any more than I can expect you to stay home every holiday. Instead, I’m catching little whiffs of it whenever I can: as you crack an egg into the mixing bowl,
while you ice a cupcake;
And (as you can see) I’m taking pictures often, too; I’m really trying to, at least.
When I’m at a loss for words is when the camera shutter flutters.
Sometimes I’m taking pictures and hardly exhaling at all. Or looking back at them as I am doing now, and wishing I didn’t have to.
Time stand still please, just a little longer?
what a beautiful letter Steph.
happy birthday Chas.
They’re all great, but oh my, that last picture is little-boy heaven. Love it. Happy birthday chas!
what bittersweet beauty there is in the everyday.
Happy Birthday Chas and happy birthing day to you, mama!
🙂
oh your little Leo— what a magic man. I love the pic of him making muscles the best– he is too cute for words.
my heart is bursting from these photos – if only we could shrink wrap them while they’re small. sigh. happy birthday to your sweet boy.
this is so beautiful…
wouldn’t it be amazing if we could hold on to them, just a little bit longer….
happy birthday to your adorable little boy!!!
Happy Birthday Beautiful Boy!
And you too, Beautiful Mama 🙂
Happy 3 big boy. Love this post and boy do those cupcakes look fun.
Oh My. Beautiful! And great photos. Happy Birthday to your adorable little one. My oldest just had his fifteenth birthday. Yikes!
Chas and I both send fabulous thanks for the birthday wishes! THANKYOU THANKYOU THANK YOU! Now we’re off to chase a red dragonfly through the garden….but we’re saving our energy still for a night of glow bowling! GLOW! BOWLING!!!!
Happy Birthday, Chas. What a milestone. And Steph, your little letter made me all teary. Beautiful. Reading this, I can’t wait to be a mom.
happy birthday beautiful boy! and i think you’ve got it right chas, cake really does make muscles stronger *wink*
what an absolutely beautiful letter to your little boy. your words take my breath away.
I read this post with a lump in my throat. Chas is a half a year ahead of my little guy and I cannot believe how fast, HOW FAST their growing goes. Chas is beautiful, as are your words.
Now THAT is how you eat cupcakes… Happy Birthday to your glorious Chas!
I found myself lost, and in tears, in your description of holding on…letting go…holding on….and reliving the pain, the joy. Your letter to Chas gave me a new insight to the one beautiful event that is a representation of the whole process of our lives. Thank you for my blessing by default in the birthing of Chas…Yes, he charts his own course. My prayer for a beautiful mother—it is more than a prayer, it is a prophecy: There will never be a time when his heart is pulled between you and his future soul mate. He will always love you, and you will see in his mate those same qualities that you now possess, the willingness to love with all her heart and the self confidence to permit him to honor his family traditions while building new ones. If your timing is just right, she will even share in the birthing of your grandchildren. You will be truly blessed.
steph, your letter to chas is absolutely wonderful, heart-felt, beautifully written. i wish i could write like that. my sons are in their mid-late 20s now. i have letters i wrote to them stored in a box in the closet. where they left slices of their childhoods until the eventual day they’ll summon the objects of memory to permanent homes of their own. sleeping beside my letters to gabe and mickey are those they wrote to me. together those records of life-before-launching are some of my most precious possesions. as treasured as the family photos. and they’re not even really mine to keep. yet i love that i can open the box, unfold an actual piece of paper and read them rather than having to boot up the computer to read saved emails.
chas is lucky to have you for a mom. in 20 years, he’ll appreciate the letters and photos even more than i’m sure he does now. and the memories, the smells, the closeness and love. happy birthday (a little late) to chas and many more blessings in coming years to your whole family. i’m glad i stumbled on your blog post today — makes me smile!
btw grandma’s prayer is beautiful. what a grandma!
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