The highs and lows this weekend knotted me and left me wondering how I should feel. I took the remaining two pregnancy tests, the ones left in the package. Compulsively, I had to confirm the positive test; I couldn’t wait until the doctor’s appointment, which is tomorrow morning. And I never suspected they would silently disappoint me! But after seeing two negative results, I steeped in doubt for a while before resurfacing to tell Damon what I found.
The mind has a powerful way. It can wrap itself snug around the possibility of a new baby, no matter how impossible it originally seemed. As the hours pass, a vision becomes clearer and problems begin to resolve, and fear transforms to hope. Then, to release the notion is like asking to grieve. Could this all have been a fantastic head trip? I feel I can relate on some level to IVF patients, who never really know what to expect.
Both of our children were planned. It took an agreement, a basal thermometer, a chart, and a month to conceive each boy, and each time I felt in complete control of my body: I knew the day I was ovulating like I knew the day I was pregnant, and two tests for each child confirmed the latter, in each case. But now, I feel so vulnerable and human, clumsy and blind. And I’m sorry to burden you with this self-pity, but years later I might find this all amusing. I mean, relatively speaking, these are small beans. But they are feelings, nonetheless, and because I’m human I have them.
So tomorrow morning, I go to the OBGYN. I’m anxious. Knotted. And I’ll be a little sad if we don’t find an embryo, but I’ll be okay.
Tonight I have a fun project to occupy the rest of my time: a painting, commissioned for a very special occasion. And I’m absolutely thrilled. Still, I can’t give away any details (well, not yet!).
To all you mothers reading this, I hope you had a relaxing but joyful Mother’s Day…and maybe a glass of wine or a mimosa, for me?
Oh jeez! What a whirlwind. There is a name for it — this sadness at a perceived loss — even though it wasn’t “really yours” to begin with (maybe – maybe not)… Can’t think of it right now.
Well, from the tone of that last post, if you aren’t pregnant now, you will be sometime soon, so you can use the lovely post then 🙂
as usual, I stop here to read and find your beautiful words moving through me with a wave of emotions. I have been there too. There is no such thing as small feelings and your words and feelings here are so powerful – thank you for sharing. I hope you find the peace that comes with knowing whatever the outcome might be. hugs.
I’m thinking of you and hope your appointment goes well!
Oh wow—Steph, I’m dying to know what happened at the OBGYN today. I’m crossing my fingers that the right outcome is right… if you know what I mean.