xoxo

I am the first thing in the morning. He reaches over and rests his arm on my shoulder, to know that I am there. I am a companion in the bathroom when he pees, because there are monsters; well, there really aren’t monsters, they’re just pretend; just in case, I’m there.
I’m groom, running through the house with a long black comb, chasing small blonde dreadlocks. I am master chef, with a stool by my side. I am wrong sometimes. I’ve also been called stupid. However, I prefer to be called “Mommy,” because it sounds so sweet from the voice of a two year-old, and because that voice will no longer say “Mommy” when it turns eight, I imagine.

“Mommy?” I hear Chas calling from his bedroom. In the kitchen, I call back,
“Yes? I’m in here,” and listen.

Barefeet patter down the wood hallway, through the laundry room and onto the kitchen linoleum, I brace my knees to avoid injury, and he slams into the side of my legs, nevertheless throwing me off balance, and I put the wooden spoon on the countertop.

I bend down and he jumps up, embracing me and squeezing every fiber of me within his moment, catching his breath to tell me something important.
“Mommy, I love you more than meets the eyes!”

I heart kid’s art

Ford’s Dalek drawing

Both children have the most charming creative style. They like to have, at all times, paper on their easels, and they like to let me know when it’s time to refresh the canvas. So I clamp a piece of paper onto the easel, and the kids do all the rest.

While I’m on the phone in the studio, Ford is kneeling on the floor before his easel, oil crayon in hand, gracefully weaving arabesques onto white paper like a dancer, partly like an experienced surgeon. He amazes me with his consistency and experimentation. At his age, I was drawing pure representation: rooms and school buses and horses, familiar things. Ford, thirty years later, has the same hair and chin, but the picture is completely different. He fills the page, works at will, picks up where he leaves off, whenever he chooses. One piece may hang, awaiting completion, for three days. He will flit back into the mudroom when I take a break to read mail, and will deliberately choose a medium, often something new that week, and experiment with the flow of the material on paper, the texture of its friction. Sometimes, he’ll add a Dalek, or a robot, or some other recognizable icon of current obsession.
Here, a Dalek for sure:

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His abstract, expressionistic style has remainded consistent since he began making collages, at 18 months. Then, we used to sit at the dinette in the airstream, paper on the table and both weilding glue sticks. I’d ask him where this piece of torn paper wanted to go? Where does that piece belong? Do you think it belongs on the paper? Like conversation, documented in layers and textures, and I’ll remember this with a certain piognancy, as I remember his first steps (which he took in the same trailer!)

Chas is the same. Whether he has taken cues from Ford or not, he is also uninhibited. But while Ford’s marks bear a signature pattern, Chas’ style is vigorously expressive in one moment, exquisitely drawn in another. His hand bears dramatic pressure here, a faint scrawl there. Many times, lately, he is drawing something important to him, something concrete. A sea anemone, for example:

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I look at them and grin, thinking to myself that it couldn’t get any better than this. It’s one of my most passionate goals, taht they retain this sense of urgency to create, to be free with their ability, uninhibited by convention. We will always keep a space for them, wherever we are, where their mind can pause (with or without the castaway shoes and fallen markers) and play with materials at hand.

I wish this for you, too. 🙂

Routine Assessment

Once in a while, I have a day, maybe a few days, of dysfunctional funk. Sometimes I think it’s my mind’s clever way of alleviating boredom. The day is inevitably sunny, my children are particularly joyful, my husband–syrupy kind. It matters none that he’s remarked n how beautiful he thought I looked, nor that my dinner was delicious. It matters none that I sat on the floor and played Legos with my children, made a lego woman for chas with boobs, made a rocket with Ford; nor does it matter that I rocked and read and rocked and read and read in bed with happy pillows tossed at my head, midafternoon. It isn’t enough that I was able to watch them paint in the garden, watch them paint their toes, then their feet, their legs, their tummies: a robot here, a Dalek there, a rainblow of tempera-covered rocks beneath a wet easel. Smiles, laughter. Running, oh the running: unhinged and impulsive, a Thoroughbred on fresh green grass, and then the wind kicks up, and he bolts, breakneck, a half-eaten mouthful of grass falls at your feet. Or a string cheese wrapper.

On days like this, I pore over yesterday’s photographs. I rediscover beauty to validate my perception. See? I noticed that! I’m not dead. I SAW that!

I noticed a jumble of sea-jewels,
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a tangle of mermaid thread,
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grass, whispering along our walk
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I caught the salty smell of Chas, whirring past me on the trail
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and the soothing lull of a calm Pacific afternoon, heavy sand, horizontal bliss
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a little vertical tension.
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and the coastal summer smells of dried wildflowers, trampled ice plant, baby seal poo and low tide, trailing on the sweet sound of swaying grass and Ford, who had just told me this was his new favorite beach ever.

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So why the dull face, woman?

Just throw the ball. I’m here all day! How about you?
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